we're only taking turns holding this world, open

[shannon saunders]

you can trust me

trust nobody

Some days were a little easier. Sometimes, Shannon could trust the world enough to go out by herself, do things that she hasn’t done in a while – that probably would have been done with someone, ideally – to try and have fun. Yet another heatwave in London this year made her dress in clothes that were a little more revealing than the usual choice of a long sleeved shirt and jeans. She pulled her hair up into a messy bun, mainly to keep it off her neck. Really, she probably should have chosen to go to a pool. Here’s an idea for the next time that she felt like she could come outside. Nervously, she played with her ring as she made her way to the zoo. It really has been a while since she last visited it. A good few years. The queue wasn’t very long, surprisingly enough, but then again it was kind of early. She was almost forced to take a couple of days off after helping out throughout the half term and she wasn’t sure as to what to do with herself at first, but then she remembered that a co-worker has mentioned that they’ve been to the zoo with their kids and there have been tiger cubs that were born recently. Shannon had a love for cats ever since she could remember and that definitely included the bigger cats, too. She had also previously brought up a house cat from a kitten back when she lived with her parents. Shannon stopped briefly, her expression dropping as the thought of her parents entered her head. She hasn’t spoken to them since she was about nineteen, maybe twenty. Even though she knew that they did what they deemed best for her, it still hurt to know that they thought she required to go a hospital. If anything fucked with her head, it was certainly the years she spent there. They visited her, yeah, but with every visit it seemed as if they were more and more convinced that it was better if she just stayed there. She couldn’t really blame them, though. Most of the time that she spent there she tried her best to erase from her memory but there were still bits and pieces that she remembered, even though she’d much rather not. She took a deep breath before pulling out an electronic cigarette from her purse and taking a couple of deep pulls. It has been a while since she has even touched a regular cigarette and she was finding herself closer and closer to buying a new packet. But it wasn’t something to worry about for now. Today was a good day. She had to believe that.

OPEN | 453 | NONE | ✘

[aubrey whitney]

TAGGED SHANNON WORD COUNT 614 NOTES OW ;-; Will you recognise me? Call my name or walk on by

Every family had their traditions. The Whitney family (small as it was) was no different, and not all of those traditions were upsetting. In fact, to hear Aubrey talk about his home life it seemed like a fairly pleasant one, and even his closest friends had been fooled by the façade he worked hard to maintain. It wasn’t all lies… when his father had managed to stay his hand and keep from the bottle for a couple of hours he was a good man, a better father, and it was these moments that Aubrey cherished, and these moments that he stretched out into days and weeks in his retellings. One tradition that had held steadfast through the drinking and the pain had been that without fail, Andrew Whitney would sober up for his son’s birthday. He’d get up early and go fetch some fresh bread from the bakery, and a ready cooked roast chicken from the butchers: or at least, the appropriate counters within their local supermarket anyway. He’d get a cake too, and a present (it was left a little late, but never went unappreciated) and they’d set up a picnic in the lounge, just the two of them. Then they’d go to the zoo, and look at the Wallabies: they looked at the other animals too of course, but Aubrey had always had a special affinity for the Wallabies that he couldn’t quite explain. It was a tradition that had held fast over ten years of Aubrey’s life, from the day his mother left when he was six years old. Of course before then, Andrew had made sure to be sober for his birthday, but the routine had been quite different when it had been the three of them. Even so, the tradition had stuck. Until this year. This year Aubrey had woken to find his father already drinking whiskey at ten in the morning, and it seemed the man had all but forgotten what date it was. Attempting to drop a hint had resulted in a stinging slap across the face, and his immediate rebuke had landed him unable to sit comfortably for the next few hours. Once it became apparent that their usual routine wasn’t to go ahead, and that his father would be spending the day in a drunken stupor broken up by moments of sudden irritation: Aubrey opted to take himself out. The zoo had seemed the obvious destination- why break seventeen years of habit just because his father couldn’t lay off the drink for one day? He’d shot out a few texts to his friends but other than the obligatory just-gone-midnight birthday texts, had yet to receive anything back from them. Unperturbed, he dressed and snuck out of the house, heading down to the zoo and hoping to god his father didn’t attempt to accompany him. It was only once he’d got his ticket and ventured deep into the zoo itself that he felt relaxed. Luckily he didn’t have much to hide that day, and had been able to dress in a t-shirt and three quarter length trousers, along with sandals and a pair of sunglasses. It was too hot to wear much else, and even in those clothes he was boiling hot. Keeping to the shade as best he could, he moved slowly along the enclosures, pausing at each one to peer inside at whatever animal was within. He’d go and see the Wallabies soon of course, but he saw no reason to rush when it was just him. Might as well enjoy his birthday, after all: perhaps he’d get an ice cream with the cash he’d swiped from his father’s wallet on the way out.

THANKS ♥

[shannon saunders]

you can trust me

trust nobody

So maybe today would be different. Maybe she won’t have to flee because she’s feeling awkward. Maybe. Shannon didn’t really feel well. The electronic cigarette was back in her bag now. She wasn’t too sure what she was doing here on her own – all the families and couples were making her feel alienated. But she wouldn’t let that get to her, instead focusing on the animals. She even bought herself candy floss. It was full on. She hasn’t been to the zoo in a good while. Never really had anyone she could go with, people that were closest to her having been a bunch of teenagers from the class she helped out in. It was really either that or Gavin, but for Gavin it was just food a lot of the time. She didn’t really blame him, he had a busy schedule. But considering she always managed to get herself out of bed (and on some days it was truly an impossible feat) just to meet up with him, he should be able to return the favour. She was sure that he could, it was only the fact that she’d rather have him ask her. She never liked imposing things on people, it was always as if she was throwing herself on them and it never worked out ideal. The fact that it was so colourful made her remember the carnival where she first met Harry and that brought a small smile to her face. Soon after, though, she remembered that one, memorable morning when she caught a glimpse of Dominic and heard his voice as she and Harry stood around in the kitchen doing breakfast. She still wasn’t sure if he was real. Judging by Harry’s reaction, he was… and that made her feel like shit. Not insecure or scared, no… just like a fucking bad person. She wasn’t sure what brought that on, it probably had something to do with the fact that she spent the night with the man’s flatmate. Awkward didn’t even begin to describe the situation that ensued. But Harry was gone now. She hasn’t heard from him since that day and she was actually pretty damn worried about him but deemed that as he was an adult, she didn’t act upon her worries. One night stands rarely kept in contact but she had a feeling that this was something to do with Dominic. She wasn’t sure what exactly but nonetheless… She shook her head, physically attempting to shake the thoughts out of it. It was supposed to be a good day, uninterrupted by the thoughts of the brunet that towered over her even back when they were teenagers. Shannon paused before getting a bottle of water out of her bag – she was always prepared for such situations – and had a drink from it. It was too damn hot to live. She really wished she stayed inside, with curtains firmly closed and the fan on. Oh well. It could yet prove to have been a good decision. Maybe she would run into someone? It was as if her prayers were answered as she spotted the small blonde boy, recognising him as one of the boys that she helped out in class. She chuckled to herself briefly; teenagers it was then. He seemed as if he was fascinated by the animals and really, she couldn’t blame him. The zoo had a variety of animals, sure to cater to everyone’s liking. Shannon walked up to a nearby ice cream stall and got two cones before catching up to Aubrey. “Hello, Aubrey.” She handed him the ice cream. “Happy birthday.”

AUBREY | 602 | OW MY HEART | ✘

[aubrey whitney]

TAGGED SHANNON WORD COUNT 440 NOTES awwh Will you recognise me? Call my name or walk on by

It wasn’t quite the same on his own, and several times now he’d noticed something amusing or exciting that he’d gone to point out to his father- only to remember that he wasn’t there. There’d been a bit of text tennis with Bailey but she wasn’t able to come out, due to yet another injury sustained boxing. For the life of him, Aubrey still didn’t quite understand why she still persevered in the violent sport but then again, considering his background- he supposed his lack of understanding was only to be expected. Violence was something he avoided at all costs, when he had the opportunity. There’d been no replies from the others yet, though he imagined they were all busy. He couldn’t exactly blame them, they had a routine after all- they celebrated the weekend after, and other than a congratulatory text or two; they didn’t get much communication with him on the actual day. He was usually too busy. Still, though admittedly a little lonely- it wasn’t a complete waste of day. He got to see the animals, though many of them were lethargic under the oppressive heat of the Summer sun, and he was out of the house. Considering the current state of his father, that was a very good thing indeed. “Hello, Aubrey.” Turning about, he was more than a little surprised to see Miss Saunders, one of the teaching assistants from school- stood before him holding out an ice cream. It took him a moment to realise one was for him, before taking it with a grateful smile. “Happy birthday.” For a moment he didn’t respond, just stared at her blankly. It had been the first time someone had said it to him that day: out loud, at least. Texts and Facebook posts on his wall didn’t really amount to hearing someone say it to his face, and his father had fallen short on that this time. After a moment, taking it in and realising that the current situation was in fact real, he laughed. “Oh! Thank you! Sixteen finally, legal now.” He grinned, allowing the jokey nature his friends and the people who knew him from school were accustomed to, even allowing himself to wink at her- though they both knew it meant nothing. Not that she wasn’t incredibly pretty, but he knew he was too young for her tastes (and he himself would prefer someone in his own age group) and besides, it would be pretty frowned upon. “How are you Miss S? Did you come here with a friend or?” Last thing he wanted to do was interrupt a date by mere proximity.

THANKS ♥

[shannon saunders]

you can trust me

trust nobody

Shannon had some of her ice cream before Aubrey took the hint and took his own. It was refreshing, considering the strange heat wave and she congratulated herself for thinking of it. She hoped it wouldn’t melt too quickly, though. She had some more of the ice cream briefly after wishing him a happy birthday and for a moment they both stood there with their cones as the silence stretched between them. Aubrey seemed to have been struck silent and it didn’t take a long time for Shannon to start worrying. She tended to get motherly over the teens she worked with. It must have been the fact that she recently turned thirty. She didn’t really want to think about it but the longer she pondered it, the more sense it made. She wanted to be a mother. But she knew that the closest that she would get to it was to work with the kids at her school. That was the extent she could go. She didn’t have a long-term partner, most of the ‘relationships’ had been one night stands. And even then, they were sparse. If she really tried, she could probably be a nun. “Oh! Thank you! Sixteen finally, legal now.” She chuckled at his remark, relaxing finally. She was thankful that he spoke; the extended silence was taking a toll on her. She didn’t like it, it always seemed like calm before a storm and this time she initially felt was no different. But she had been proved wrong. “How are you Miss S? Did you come here with a friend or?” Her smile faltered and she allowed herself a small sigh. The assumption was flattering but it also reminded her that no, she didn’t and that she was on her own. She thumbed the belt loops of her shorts briefly before looking up at the student and smiling again. “No, I’m all yours.”

AUBREY | 318 | ;-; BABIES | ✘

[aubrey whitney]

TAGGED SHANNON WORD COUNT 424 NOTES awwh Will you recognise me? Call my name or walk on by

When one considered the home life Aubrey Whitney endured, how he’d been living since the tender age of six- they would never assume that he could be called confident, or bubbly. However, outside of home, or in the company of a sober father, Aubrey was often the life of the party. Friendly, considerate and always ready to tell a joke, he somehow managed to brighten the room. By some miracle, his father’s abuse and alcoholism had not managed to extinguish his inner light, and he continued to put others needs first. Perhaps he would yet break the tradition of the Whitney men and their pattern of falling prey to alcoholism. He recovered quickly from his confusion and cracked a joke, relieved to see her smile and hear her laugh. He was always a little more on guard around the teachers, he knew they had policies on looking out for child abuse and the last thing he wanted was to inspire a surprise trip to the school counsellor and an investigation into his home life. He’d narrowly dodged it already, and he was quite sure at least one had their suspicions… but he wouldn’t say a word. His home life was his own business after all, and the absolute last thing he wanted was to get his dad in trouble when it wasn’t his fault. He couldn’t help being an alcoholic, right? He’d go to rehab when he was strong enough… and with his mother having walked out on them both, maybe that had taken a toll. Of course, Aubrey didn’t forgive him everything- he knew what Andrew had been like with Cheyenne, knew that his father had more than likely driven his mother into leaving… and he knew deep down that the start to his addiction had been a choice. Perhaps on some level he did resent Andrew for not being strong enough to quit for his sake but at the end of the day, he was his father, and he loved him deeply. He’d endure what he had to, to keep what small family they had left together. His question seemed to have left Ms. Saunders feeling a bit flustered, and he managed an awkward, lop-sided smile when she answered. “Well, that’s good! I’m on my own too, so y’know, works for us both right? Just don’t try and make it into a one man school trip alright? I’m practically an adult now.” He grinned, hoping to return the smile to her face, in more strength than the meek one she wore currently.

THANKS ♥

[shannon saunders]

you can trust me

trust nobody

Shannon worked at her ice-cream idly before looking up to the sky. It was becoming a bit overcast and she was honestly hoping that it wouldn’t result in a storm. She found it absolutely ridiculous that at her age she was still afraid of it, but she supposed years without receiving some sort of treatment for it took their toll. She had the worst of it during the time she spent at the hospital… nobody looked out for her back then. Nobody looked out for her for a very long time, really. It taught her to curl up in her bed with headphones; music turned up, the loudest it could be. Here was to hoping that she wouldn’t have to cut this short; it has been a while since she went out of her own accord and she found herself enjoying Aubrey’s company, he was always the jokey student in the class. With her free hand she held the bridge of her nose for a couple of seconds, trying to repel any thoughts of other people. Or, well, person… person that she held dear; even after all those years. A person that held her. She fumbled with her bag for a bit before pulling out her electronic cigarette and taking a couple of quick pulls on it. They weren’t at the school; after all, she didn’t have to worry about showing off her bad habits. Even still, it wasn’t a real cigarette… though she thoroughly wished that she did get some. Oh well. Maybe next time. Her attention was brought back to him when he next spoke and upon hearing his claim that he was ‘practically an adult’, she laughed yet again. It was a pleasant sound and it made her feel a bit better to actually laugh from her heart, rather than just mark the moves. “Adult? Right… Aubrey, I honestly wish for you never to become one.” She responded, a smile gracing her features. “It’s hard.”

AUBREY | 328 | STORM NO :| | ✘

[aubrey whitney]

TAGGED SHANNON WORD COUNT 424 NOTES awwh Will you recognise me? Call my name or walk on by

As Shannon looked up to the sky, he found himself following suit- giving the ice cream an idle lick as he considered the state of the clouds. “I hope it doesn’t storm,” he found himself saying aloud, crinkling his nose in displeasure at the concept. “Never been any good with them, used to have to crawl into bed with mum and dad when they started up… plus it shouldn’t storm on my birthday. That’s just cruel.” He managed an awkward grin, trying not to think about how he dealt with storms these days… hiding under his covers with music on as loud as he could manage without breaking his eardrums with his headphones. Shrugging and taking a regrettably large last mouthful of ice cream- his teeth screamed their protest and he grimaced at the encroaching brain freeze, though it was thankfully short lived- he managed a grin. It was funny really, neither of them knew how alike they were, or how similar their coping mechanisms were. “Hey… do those really work?” he asked, eager to distract himself as he gestured toward her e-cigarette, finishing off his ice cream by chomping his way through the cone. “I always wondered.” And he wasn’t thinking of Bailey or his father when he asked, no sir. Not at all. Nor was he thinking of prospective birthday or Christmas gifts… they’d never use them anyway. Shannon’s laugh inspired a grin of his own, and her claim had him laughing outright. “Don’t worry, I’m not about to try and move out and pay the bills yet. I’ll be an adult where it suits me, like when I want to stay out later or go places on my own. Hey, I know it’s the legal age for… well, but I’m sure there’s stuff I can buy now that I couldn’t before. There’s gotta be, right? It can’t just be that.” He couldn’t quite say the word ‘sex’ in front of her. It felt wrong.

THANKS ♥

[shannon saunders]

you can trust me

trust nobody

Shannon continued eating her own ice cream and when Aubrey expressed his opinion about the storm, she smiled weakly. So, as it turns out, she wasn’t alone in her fears. “Yeah, I hope so too.” She agreed and bit her lip briefly. “Not a fan of them either.” With that admission, she followed suit in finishing the ice cream. She didn’t peg him for someone that would be afraid of the storm; it came as a surprise to her. However pleasant, though, considering that he was one of the most positive people she knew. “Hey… do those really work?” “No… not really.” She shrugged, stuffing the electronic (and therefore supposedly non-lethal) cigarette back into her bag. “They’re just generally irritating. Massively teasing. All I’m thinking of is getting a regular packet; it’s really not worth the hassle.” Glad and flattered that she made him laugh, Shannon finished off her cone before smiling herself. “Just so we’re clear, by that, you mean sex, right?” She asked, more curious than anything as to the reasoning behind him being seemingly unable to say it in front of her. “I think you can drive now? I’m not sure. Alcohol and cigarettes you get at eighteen.” She felt a cold pang of nostalgia even before she was fully finished with the sentence. Vividly, she remembered how she celebrated her own sixteenth birthday and it was completely different to this. “Anyway, why were you on your own?” She questioned, in an attempt to distract herself from venturing down the dangerous route that only led to that horrible pain in her throat that she couldn’t seem to be able to get rid of for extended periods of time. “Where’s everyone else?” By that, she meant his little pack of friends. Those guys were almost inseparable in the school so what the hell?

AUBREY | 305 | >< | ✘

[aubrey whitney]

TAGGED SHANNON WORD COUNT 424 NOTES awwh Will you recognise me? Call my name or walk on by

It was a surprise to him to learn that Shannon- Miss Saunders was afraid of storms too. Really, he supposed it wasn’t all that shocking… plenty of people didn’t like them. Just how some grown men weren’t keen on spiders, and he’d once known someone who’d have a minor meltdown over a bit of dirt, or grease in his hair. Fears came in all shapes and sizes and really, he was simply glad to have a companion in the ‘we don’t like storms’ club. Perhaps they could get t-shirts. “But it’s got to be better for you, right?” He spoke hesitantly, unsure of how she’d react to such honesty. They weren’t exactly close, after all- she was a teaching assistant and he was one of the students she worked with. They weren’t meant to be close; it was misconduct on her part and stupidity on his own. Still, they weren’t doing anything wrong… this wasn’t a romantic engagement and wouldn’t it be kind of rude to ignore one another? It’d be fine, he assured himself- pushing his anxiety to the back of his mind as he was wont to do. They wouldn’t get in trouble just for chatting. “I mean, less… likely to give you cancer and that. I think it’s awesome that you’re trying to quit, even if it’s hard. It’s admirable… but I mean, totally up to you if you give u- stop quitting. It’s your choice and everything.” He was rambling and he knew it, and he stopped himself immediately with an awkward smile. “Sorry.” If there was one thing he’d never expected to hear from Miss S’ mouth it was the word sex. They’d had sex ed and it hadn’t been under her tutelage and honestly… he’d half expected never to hear the word from her lips. To hear it was quite a shock and it showed momentarily in the wide eyed look he turned on her, before he burst out laughing. There was something just too funny about it all, really. It felt so wrong. “Yes… that- that’s what I meant. Not really something I wanted to uh- anyway. Yes. That.” Waving it off, and still laughing as he spoke- he shrugged. “You’re kidding me… we can have our own kids and drive before we can have a drink or a smoke? That’s ridiculous.” He doubted he’d be doing any of that, though… his dad probably didn’t have the time to teach him how to drive, and he wasn’t sure they had the money for lessons… he chided Bailey for smoking too often to take it up himself and as for drink? It was obvious why he’d never touch that. As far as sex was concerned… well, he didn’t have a girlfriend. “Anyway, why were you on your own? Where’s everyone else?” For a moment, his heart stopped. It had been a question he’d been hoping to avoid, but outwardly he just gave a smile and a shrug. He was an old hand at faking it, pretending everything was just dandy. He’d had years of practise and the lies came easily: “Dads sick. He usually comes with me but he’s just been throwing up everywhere- told me not to let it ruin my day, though. Best friends done her ankle in… Bailey, you know her. Oliver’s stuck babysitting and the other two just haven’t got back to me yet. They might still show up, never know!”

THANKS ♥

[shannon saunders]

you can trust me

trust nobody

Shannon took a deep breath before settling against one of the fences, quickly shoving her feelings aside, trying to focus on the moment, on one of her students. It was his day after all, his birthday. So it was her obligation to make it good, or at least she felt so. That’s what she did, after all. Took care of her students. “I suppose so.” She responded, shrugging. She didn’t really put all that much thought into it, it wasn’t as though she considered it a permanent thing; it was just something that she could use to curb her cravings in a society friendly way. “Yeah, I guess it is... I don’t know about quitting though.” It wasn’t as though she was trying to – she was just trying out something new, really. Something that would help, even if a little. And now that she’d realised it wasn’t all that great, all she was thinking about was getting a new packet of cigarettes. “Don’t worry about it.” Seeing the shock in his expression upon her saying the word ‘sex’, she smiled before laughing out loud. It was the weirdest thing, to have a conversation like this, with her student, in the middle of a zoo. She was comfortable enough to speak about it and the fact that it seemed so strange to him amused her even more. Oh they were in for a good time. “Yep... It is. But that means that you get no choice in being the designated driver.” She chuckled. “I guess it’s the thing though, isn’t it. The society is strange like that.” She drew her eyebrows together at his response, her arms folded. “I hope your dad gets better soon. As for everyone else... I’m hardly surprised about Bailey and her ankle, to be completely honest with you. And babysitting? That doesn’t seem like the best past time...” She murmured. “But I guess you gotta do what you gotta do, right? Is that a younger sibling or...?” She wasn’t sure why she was suddenly so interested but learning that nobody else seemed to be able to come, she decided that it was down to her to make Aubrey’s day a good one.

AUBREY | 368 | >< | ✘